My story is not about an amazing birth experience. My story is raw and painful to tell. My story is the one that you don’t talk about at baby showers.
But it’s mine. And I’m not ashamed of it.
I had a traumatic labor. Hours and hours of pain. I felt trapped and unable to escape. It was loud and grotesque in my head, but quiet and foreboding at the same time.
My body was out of my control. Every contraction felt like I was being tortured. Each time my cervix was checked I felt like I was being violated.
My birth was just as traumatic. I was transported to the hospital where the doctor used forceps to remove my baby from my body. It was cold and unfeeling. I was so removed from the situation, mentally, that it didn’t even register that my baby was out. The pain stopped, but the hollowness in my heart was still there.
Pretty morbid, huh? Now you know why I have a gag order at baby showers.
For three years I struggled with symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.
I had night sweats, flashbacks, feelings of intense fear, anxiety, panic……
I questioned my faith. I questioned why a good God would allow me to walk through something so hard. So excruciating.
I had my baby in my arms. I should have been okay. But I wasn’t.
I began to hate every aspect of the faith that I had grown up clinging to. I didn’t feel I knew who God even was, so how could I trust him with the intense pain I felt? With the betrayal?
Oh, friend. If this is how you feel, I pray you keep reading because my story doesn’t end here.
Most people go through dark valleys in their lives, and this was definitely one of mine. In our human way of dealing with intense pain our tendency is to distrust God.
If we seek Him, though, He is faithful to draw near.
My husband and I found an amazing gospel-centered church that discipled us and loved us through our confusion. We dug into God’s Word and found HIS life and truth.
Slowly (sometimes agonizingly so) God began to soften the hardness in my heart towards Him. He began to reveal Himself to me through His Word. He used one of the darkest times in my life to show me that I could trust His sovereignty.
One night about four years after the birth of our precious daughter I found myself reliving those hours of what, at that time, was pure darkness.
I cried and let myself hurt and feel and remember.
And you know what? Jesus met me there. He took me back through each specific memory I had of feeling alone and showed me how He was there with me. His light flooded my darkness. His wholeness overthrew my brokenness. His gentleness overcame my brittleness.
And I surrendered.
I surrendered the hurt and confusion. I let my walls come down. I gave in to His kindness.
He brought healing that night.
Today, seven years later, I am a different person. His love has transformed a broken heart and made it whole again. I am no longer ashamed that my story is so hard and raw. My story is beautiful because it reflects my Heavenly Father. It makes HIS name greater than my grief and pain. It is a picture of Christ’s faithfulness to my husband and myself….even when we were not faithful to Him.
If you are hurting and grieved over your own birth that didn’t go the way you planned for it to, are experiencing PTSD, or just walking through trails, I pray that my story would be a light.
I hope that it will point you to the only Rock among sinking sand.
He is the only way to get through the pain. He is the only true source of healing. And HE is enough.
“….to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified” Isaiah 61:3
Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook and Instagram!